Friday, January 23, 2009

ZOMBIE ATTCK!! (Are you prepared!?)

You know damn well I am. Well, you will know after reading this.


Joe Anchorguy: Hordes of the undead are taking over the United States. Their numbers rise by the minutes as they feed on the living and turn them into one of their own. The military has sent out an urgent message that those receiving this feed lock themselves indoors and not to come out under any circumstance. Defend yourselves by any means necessary. The mutation comes from the undeads bite, so avoid hand-to-hand comba........OH GOD THEY ARE HERE!! SAVE YOURSELVES...AHHAHRGADHAHGAHFHT.......!!!!!!!

Scary!? I think so.

That's why you need to have gone over this in your head, like me...which is probably a sign of
A) I have too much free time on my hands
B) I may need some kind of psychological help
and C) I'm more prepared that you!

Alright so the bulletin comes out. Now what?

Well for my first scenario I am opening the fitness center where I work and have no idea about the news break at all. I have a wild imagination and every time I walk into that place at 5AM its pitch black at the far end of the center. Well I get some crazy ideas about whats back there waiting for me so I get into the office and turn on the lights as fast as possible...but stepping away from my bizarre life for a second...

So here I come strolling in and low and behold a group of zombies appears from that darkness and my worst thoughts have come to life. So I run into the office, per usual, close the door and lock it behind me. I then go into the weight room and lock all of those doors with the Alan Wrench key, since zombies, as we all know cant open doors, just crash through them.

Now this doesn't give me much time because the second holds very true. The ten or so zombies begin to pound the thick glass, causing minor cracks in some of the doors. Luckily for me, but unluckily for him, a few of the undead attack the maintenance guy who opens with me sending a handful of them off the glass, giving me more time.

So now what? There's no use calling 911, because I already figure out that everyone will be calling them and no lines would be open. It is also five in the morning, who is up except me? Well being more awake than I ever was at this time my mind begins to filter out ideas...

I go to the back doors and notice there aren't massive amounts of the undead patrolling the back road. But it is also pitch black out there, so seeing at a distance is troublesome...meaning a zombie could be 200 feet away without me noticing.

So, I convince myself all I need to do is get to my car and I can high-tail it home and lock myself down there with the rest of my family. This means I would have to go all the way back through the fitness center where most likely there are 3 more undead than there were when I first walked in. The receptionist, maintenance guy, and lifeguard who also open will most likely be looking to take a bite out of me by now.

I have about a half hour span until patrons think the center will open, only to be attacked and turned into flesh-craving "people" themselves, so I have to plan this out perfectly and quickly.

I quickly head to the free weight side of the weight room and look for anything that can be used as a weapon. We have this one foot, round metal bar which I have no clue what to use it on except to hit people with, so I take that right away. Of course I don't want to be that close to these creeps, but it's a start. Then I find some attachments for the lat pull down machine...a rope with two large, round rubber ends and a longer metal bar that will give me some more options. I also take a couple of 5 pound barbell weights and put the smaller things in my backpack, carrying the longer metal bar in my hands.

I figure my best bet is to make it upstairs to the cardio room, onto the pool balcony, down to the pool, and then outside to my car.

To my surprise, and my heart, the 6 or so zombies that were left by the glass windows are gone, leaving the heavily cracked, bloodied glass windows, behind. I carefully scan the track and courts but see nothing. I notice the door to the lobby is open, which is most likely where they went to attack and unknown receptionist.

I get into the office and put my hand on the door ready to make a run for the cardio room. I flick the lights off thinking that'll help for some reason, and slowly turn the handle down, pulling the door open.

Now with my heart racing and everything sweating I fail to remember how squeaky this door is and as I get just enough space for me to slide through, the loudest creak I've ever heard, emanates through the hinges and I take off like a "bat out of hell."

Of course by now the maintenance guy, long been eaten, has officially made his way to the zombie side, but missed out when the rest of his gang barreled through the lobby doors to attack the others, so he had been standing there, as zombies do, when there is no other zombie or person to eat, around. So just as I close in on the hallway door, 2 doors from a safe place, he spots me and makes a bee-line for me.

With metal bar in hand, I cock back and send a full-forced swing to the side and upper shoulder of the creature, knocking it to the floor. Realizing that one full swing to the shoulder wouldn't even put down a real person for an extended period, I take off through the hallway door and right into the door leading to the cardio room.

To no surprise to me that the zombie is right on me as I skid into the cardio room door, his hands slamming onto it just as I close it behind me. I catch my breath for a second, but the unfazed undead crashes through the glass on the top half of the door with his head and arms. I swing again, baseball style, but aim a bit higher this time. Direct hit, I never liked this guy anyway. As the insides of the zombies cranium splatter against the wall and he goes limp across the door I turn and sprint up the stairs, since the sound of the broken glass would most likely alarm the others.

Reaching the cardio room I take a quick look inside and notice no one there so I slide in and quickly make my way to the side door leading to the balcony. I creep out to the pool area and notice that the lifeguard, the newly "dead" lifeguard is standing, once again, by the side of the pool. Now here comes a problem. The floor of the surrounding pool area is about 15-20 feet below the railing of the balcony. With my history of knee/ankle problems, a straight jump down and a blown out knee or twisted ankle is something I can ill regard to suffer. I scan my options.

The pool itself is probably 8-10 feet from the wall of the balcony, a jump into there would probably be safer on my legs, but probably harder on my escape once in the water. But its a chance I'm willing to take.

I take off my backpack and try to figure out how to get rid of the zombie lifeguard. I pull out the rope/rubber ends item and look down at the walking corpse below me. I grip it and rip it sending it spiraling towards the zombie...and it whips right past her splashing harmlessly into the pool.

The zombie, for whatever reason, doesn't even turn to look at neither the splash, nor the direction from which the flying object came from. With that in mind, I take out the two, five pound weights I have in my bag and equip one in each hand. With the first toss I fire one deep into the far corner to the pool area, hitting the glass wall, cracking a few glass blocks and sending the zombie into "attack the sound" mode. I then take the second weight and throw it in the general direction of where she was headed and crack her right in the back adding momentum and sending her into the same wall.

Reveling in my two fine tosses for a second I forget the task at hand. I forgo the book bag and run from the door to the balcony, leaping up, on, and off the railing going for the pool.

In the air I can tell that the pool is a lot farther away than what it looked and I stretch out with my legs, praying that stretching my body will land me in the water and not back-down onto the hard floor in front of it. Success.

Now swim. It's not easy with a metal pole in your hand, but with it being the only thing I have left to defend myself I swing it wildly with my strokes moving towards the middle of the pool. Reaching 3/4's of the way to the door on the parking lot side, zombies come tearing into the pool area, making me to tear to the side of the pool. A couple of them leap into the water, falling to the bottom instantly, and the rest sprint madly, and you know how fast zombies get for some reason, around the outside.

I reach the side, leap out and crash into the side door, turning to push it closed behind me. I quickly glance to my car and the parking lot and notice no undead walking around. I'm about to take a well deserved sigh of relief when I turn and notice the receptionist, who was late to work, walking up to the front doors key in hand. Before I can even begin to yell, the door is open and consumed she is. Taking no time I sprint to the car, keys in hand, bloodied, dented, metal bar in hand...and I peel out of the parking lot, leaving a mob of zombies chasing in toe...

to be continued...

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

"Playoff" Brett


You know I have to touch on this situation.

Brett FaVRE was once quoted as saying "playoff" in, I'll be going to the playoffs this year.


Well after successfully throwing his team out of the playoffs with his "gunslinger" attitude, it looks like it's time to write another chapter in this long, drawn out, book.

He recently stated that he is going to "deliberate for several weeks" about what he wants to do next season.


I mean, who didn't see that coming.

Even before good ole number 4 was throwing the game away against Miami, it was already determined that he was going to the Pro Bowl. For what?

He's good ole number 4 of course...doesn't he deserve to be there?

No, no he doesn't. There are plenty of other QB's, Matt Cassel in particular, who should have that spot. Look at it this way...Dikembe Mutumbo is coming back to play for the Houston Rockets...what is he, like 50? So should he play in the All-Star game because he's a great guy and plays for the love of the sport and does the dirty, no he shouldn't. And neither should FaVRE.

It seems like there was a lot of hard feelings toward #4 as well. Not only did an unnamed player come out and bash FaVRE about his lack of team bonding, saying that Brett would be off in a room by himself and not really be a part of the team, kept himself separate...but Thomas Jones, the Jets star runner came out and publicly bashed him for throwing those picks and basically losing the game for them.

So what happens next? Eric Mangini gets fired. Nice.

Seems like a lot of guys on the team were against that move and it seemed as if, if they had to choose the "Manginious" or Good Ole Number 4, they would have chosen the head coach. What's bad news for the Jets is good news for the Browns, if they can actually land this guy.

He had 2 winning seasons with the Jets, his second season was riddled with injury. But it seems like Brett has run him out of town, sort of speak.

#4 just needs to go away...and stay away. Get out of the public eye for a few weeks and just leave us alone. People all around the NFL were saying how tired he looked and just how old he looked in his past few games...maybe it's because you're done Brett, you're done.

And I for one, won't be sad to see you go.